2023-12-30
As of today I have traveled around the sun 29 times. It's kinda wild to think about. I don't feel 29 but does anyone ever really feel their age? A big part of it (and I've mentioned a few times across the Internet) is that the last three (and soon to be four) years seemed to have slipped away from me. I often say that I still feel the same as I how I did when I entered 2020 but when I think about it more, I have changed.
In 2020 I was stuck. I was still madly in love with someone who had clearly moved on. For a long time I saw them as the villain in my love story. But when I look back on it now, I feel sad for them. Maybe it was my empathy that landed me with that person in the first place, but I had so badly wanted to (cliche alert) be the one to defy the odds and fix them. I wanted them to love me back so badly. But they were wrapped up in their own hurt which ended up hurting me.
I'm just tired of chasing. Throwing myself at the feet of someone to beg for their attention. I don't want to find love, I want it to find me. So many of my relationships I was the initiator. I just want to be chosen for once.
I'm trying to choose myself more these days. Being by myself is something I am pretty content with. It's when I get a taste of what it would be like to have a connection with someone that I get a little wistful. Lately I am craving for love and most of all, companionship. I miss physical, spiritual, and mental closeness. I want to share myself with someone. I want someone to share themselves with me.
This year I'm going to try to go a little more "low stakes" and aim for friendship. As much as I desire for it, I don't think I'm ready for love. I need friends, more than anything.