2024-10-24
One thing that my therapist would often tell me was, "I can see you trying not to cry. You can cry, you know are safe here." Only then would I let myself cry. Each time she said this, it never occurred to me that I was holding in my tears. I don't know why I needed this permission to cry. I am not one to usually dislike showing emotions. A part of me even likes crying. Maybe it's a weird act of bravery that I think that I'm displaying. Or I just wanted to get out words before I just become a useless mess. Either way. I was trying not to cry.
I think something like this happens a lot to me. I'm often holding onto feelings and letting them accumulate without releasing the pressure valve. And often times, I don't know that I'm holding onto those emotions.
Over the weekend, I went to a concert to see one of my favourite bands. At that concert, before a particularly emotionally hard-hitting song, the vocalist said, "let everything go, EVERYTHING" and on command I just started to cry. I didn't know what kind of emotions I was releasing at that point, all I knew was that I needed to... let it go.
Thinking about it now, it made me realize that I still have a few issues that I need to sort out and that I really should contact my therapist again (although I dread her reprimanding me... ugh).
It's been a few days and I keep replaying that moment in my mind and the tears keep springing up to my eyes. I feel like this moment will stay with me forever. I hope it does, honestly. It's a good reminder that our emotions need some sort of constructive outlet. It doesn't need to just be crying. It could just be losing yourself to a good song or taking part in a hobby. Or screaming your heart out at a concert. I really put all of myself into that concert. I had the time of my life. And I let myself let go. I needed a little permission first, but I did it.