2024-10-29
A friend of mine recently posted something on indepdendence and codependency. This got me thinking about my own relationship with... Relationships, really. I've posted before about my Venus in Scorpio placement and how I see that play out in my romantic relationships. I have an intense need to merge with others and completely enmesh myself with the other person's life. Of course, not everyone likes that.
In my last relationship that really did a number on me, my ex told me that I was trying to make him my entire world. He found it incredibly suffocating. I was at a loss because that was exactly what I wanted from that relationship. I loved the feeling of being in love with him, and wanted to spend every single moment with him. However, the energy wasn't reciprocrated. We started to resent each other.
I, strangely, resented my lack of independence. I was putting so much energy into this other person and sacrificing so much of myself for little gain. I neglected my hobbies. I gave up friends at his request. I spent all my time with him after work and on the weekends. I even got him a job at my workplace. I lost myself in him. For nothing. And I disliked him for it.
In another relationship, this also happened, but to a lesser degree. I spent a lot of time with that ex but I was bored throughout. I stopped indulging in my hobbies just to be bored at his house watching him play League of Legends. Never again!
Now, I think I want to approach relationships in a more balanced way. I don't want to lose myself. I want to have my own life and share it with someone else and the same time. I want to be able to focus on my hobbies, and talk to my own friends. After being single and crush-less for three years, I've learned that I actually like my own company. My entire life, I've been hopping from crush to crush and relationship to relationship and never stopped to get to know myself.
While I don't think I've swung all the way to "independent woman who doesn't need a relationship," I want to think that I'm now less predisposed to codependency. I broke my crush-less streak last year and I did definitely notice that my thoughts were completely consumed by this person. The only way I grounded myself was to make cringey blog posts. I need something more to ground me, I think. I probably need to further develop my personal life so that it's more enriching (and less scrolling on Reddit on my phone), which will help with that. Honestly, with both school and work going on at the same time, I don't think I can afford to be daydreaming and in love like that anyhow. That's what I say, but I also procrastinate the heck on school things with other useless things.
A part of me also doesn't want to fall in love anymore. I don't like it when I'm in love. I'm not even sure if it's ever love to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if I even ever liked my exes as people. I was too blinded by my emotions to properly evaluate them and our relationship. So, being more discerning is definitely something I want to be in any future relationships.