2024-06-09
They say life imitates art. Well, I consumed a lot of miserable art last month. And last month also felt quite miserable. Only now, around 20% through the next month, do I finally feel somewhat recovered.
May was really stressful. A lot of overtime at work. And lots of days where I would come home (or, if I was working from home that day, log off) and go directly to my bed to have a nap. By the time I woke up, I would maybe eat dinner and then go back to sleep. I crammed most of my reading on the weekends and was generally unproductive throughout the week. Not all of my weekends were sacred, either. There were a few weekends when I had to be on call and jump onto an issue.
My therapist asked me if every May was like this. It made me wonder if my therapist is into astrology because part way through May, Gemini season began. Gemini is a Mercurial sign and Mercury is always busy doing one thing or another. Lots of stimulation and intellectual activity. I felt that to the core (and still do). But I wasn't able to harness all of that Mercury energy towards things that I would like to do (read, write, create). Instead, just a lot of busywork at, well, work. It left very little energy for non-work stuff.
Back to my therapist's point, thankfully, this doesn't happen often. It was the first time I had to do something like this for work. I understand that some people might have to do this all the time for their job. Some people might even like it. But it is definitely not for me. I don't like the stress of having to be "on" all the time. Nor do I like the stress watching my free time being lost to the bare minimum survival activities like sleep or eating. Or, because of how my brain is too mushy, losing free time to mindlessly watching YouTube videos or scrolling through Reddit.
I think the stress also manifested in stress eating. Usually when I'm in the office, I practice intermittent fasting. But I'm an emotional eater so every time I found myself in the office, I grabbed lunch. Sometimes I would grab dinner if I was only in for the afternoon. And almost every time, I would go buy a sweet pastry. As a result I gained 10lbs in the past month (realistically, maybe half of that is water weight). Now it's hard for me to stop eating like this. It's truly hard for me to stop. Sometimes I wish I could just eat and eat and eat without consequences.
And let me tell ya, there is a lot of family drama going on. Long story short, I really need to start penny pinching. At least that will curb some of my eating habits.
Anyway. Tomorrow is another day. There is still time to turn over a new leaf. Or at least look at a new leaf. Here's to a less stressful month.