Rethinking the Ending of Crime and Punishment

2024-05-11

Kendrick Lamar:

When are we gonna understand that we are put on Earth to love? That's all it's about. Everybody wants to figure out how complicated life is and break it down. I really think that it's going to keep going on. War will keep going on. Frustration will keep going on. Anger will keep going on. 'Til we finally go back down to the simplest word: love.

Growing up, I went through the public Catholic school system. Seeing how Dostoevsky is quite forward with his Christian morals in his writing, it's no surprise that Crime and Punishment was on the reading list for my English high school class. Okay, admittedly, I was not a very bright student so the fact that this was a deliberate choice was lost on me. Not until I read the book. What little I got out of Crime and Punishment in my first read of the book was all through the ending.

Back then I was a devout little Catholic so after reading Crime and Punishment, I was deeply moved by the ending. Raskolnikov finds redemption through Sonia and converts to Christianity. The image of Raskolnikov and Sonia exchanging crosses is forever burned into my mind. I thought it was so powerful that Raskolnikov went back to religion in the end. That his morals were finally straightened out and that he chose a better path for himself.

After re-reading the book over ten years later, I don't view the ending in that way anymore. One: I'm no longer religious so the moment no longer holds any awe for me. And, more importantly, two: I don't think Raskolnikov finds redemption through conversion. What comes to mind is a clip of an interview I stumbled upon on the Internet. In it, Kendrick Lamar talks about the importance of love.

It feels reductive to assign "love" as the main theme of Crime and Punishment. But it was one thing that came up on my mind throughout the entire novel.

Raskolnikov is surrounded by love from beginning to end. His friend Razumikhin (almost weirdly) never gives up on him, asserting himself into Raskolnikov's life to give him help when he needs it. His sister and mother are devoted to him and care for his well-being. Sonia deeply empathizes with him and sees the utmost good in him, even after learning that he is a killer. Despite it all, Raskolnikov rejects their love. He withdraws into himself and is obsessed over his own ego. Even when Raskolnikov is sent to the camps for murder, he still cannot get over himself. He toils over the fact that he is not, by his own definition, an extraordinary person.

The only thing that snaps him out of this is when he realizes that he loves Sonia. He is pulled out of his own mental hell and is confronted with the fact that he cares for her well-being.

Granted, I don't really buy the fact that Raskolnikov actually loves Sonia. I truly wonder if he is capable of love at all. He says he loves his mother and sister but does very little that would actually show it. He was once engaged, but to sickly girl that he used as a microphone, to voice all his inner thoughts to.

But what I really think lies in the redemption of Raskolnikov is that he finally accepts the love from those around him. He constantly pushes away those who loves them. He deems himself unworthy. He assumes that they would be better off without him. It isn't until the end of the book that he finally sees that he would be better off with them. Life is finally worth living once he accepts love and he is ready to give back love in return.

In my humble opinion, I think that compared to a religious epiphany, this is a more powerful epiphany to have. It's a much more universal theme that can speak to all people, regardless of religion.

Reading up on my T-Square

2024-04-29

I’ve been reading up on my T-square and am pretty astounded about how accurate it is. My T-square involves a Mars-Saturn opposition with Jupiter and the Moon as the focal point. The tighter T-square is with Jupiter as the focal point but the Moon is still technically within orb as well.

It’s a mutable T-square and probably the only good thing about it is the fact that Jupiter is in domicile in Sagittarius. Jupiter rules over 2/3 of the T-square as well: the 1st house and the 4th house, where Saturn is. So it’s nice that at least Saturn, despite squaring Jupiter, is ruled by Jupiter. In fact, Jupiter is the final depositor of my chart. So, following up the rulership chain, even Mars answers to Jupiter, too. My Mars is in Virgo, which is ruled by my Capricorn Mercury. My Capricorn Mercury is ruled by Saturn and, as we know, my Saturn is ruled by Jupiter. So, it all leads to Jupiter eventually.

The book I’ve been reading, “Planetary Aspects: An Astrological Guide to Managing Your T-square” by Tracy Marks, points to the focal point as being the key to managing the T-square. It makes sense in my case, since Jupiter colours my entire chart. The downsides of Jupiter is it’s expansiveness. It wants too much. Does too much. Thinks too much. On the other hand, Jupiter, when used correctly, is used purposefully with a discerning eye. It can still grow, but it grows the right things.

The Moon as the focal point, on the other hand,has a hard time taking care of itself. It is dependent on others for emotional and even physical nourishment to the point of codependency. A proper moon will have emotionally fulfilling relationships, will nourish others, and be self-sufficient.

Can I just say, called out?

The opposition though is the main source of tension. The Vrigo/Pisces axis is an interesting one. Virgo is a perfectionist whereas Pisces is “easily disillusioned.” It often points to putting attention on the wrong thing, worrying about things not grounded in reality. It could also mean escapism from responsibilities. Just like how my Jupiter needs to be more discerning, the Virgo planet should also be more discerning. It should focus on the correct practical actions in order to fulfill the Piscean ideals. There’s also an emphasis on service. But meaningful service, pointing again to the Pisces side of the opposition.

This is interesting especially considering that the houses the opposition takes place in are the 4th and 10th houses. There is a push/pull between home and work. To balance it out, the book suggests to work from home (take that companies with mandated return to office, the stars I should work from home), have a healthy work-life balance, be involved with work that concerns with matters of the home, having family involved with work, having a “work family,” or bring your more homely aspects of your personality to work. Honestly, a lot of those things I can’t argue against. They’re all things I value in a work place. I know people roll their eyes at the idea of “a work family” but I find that when I care about my fellow co-workers on a personal level, it makes work all the more bearable.

All this information I still haven’t got to the “managing your T-square” bit. Right now I’m on the chapter about how transits and progressions can influence your T-square. I’ve been interested in progressions these days so that section was quite interesting but not that helpful. It was literally just, “a progressed planet aspecting your T-sqaure can change the dynamics of your T-square.” Thank you for that information, very helpful.

Anywho, I’m only 52% through the book. I’ll probably do another check in once I’m finished reading it. And hopefully I can actually apply it (my Jupiter focal planet says I like to learn but that I don’t apply my learnings, hah). Hopefully I will be a changed woman by the end.

The Final Push

2024-04-22

For the past two weeks I’ve been a little bit out of sorts. It funnily coincides with the the eclipse that happened on the 8th of April. “As above, so below” is what the astrologers like to say. I didn’t expect such a personal impact from the eclipse. I was bracing myself for an external event to put me off kilter but rather, it was just me that caused my own demise.

Basically, what went wrong was that I slept a lot in the past two weeks. I would finish work and go directly to bed. Or I would take three hour long naps in the middle of the day on the weekend. It really set me off of my regular schedule. I think I border on the edge of sleep deprivation. I get around 6.5 hours of sleep a night. Maybe I should really be pushing for 7 and above. But it’s so hard to squeeze everything I want to squeeze into my day without sacrificing sleep. I know, if I have a lot to do, why don’t I just cut things out?

Good question.

The two main things that occupy a chunk of my time is work and school. Work is fixed, I can’t really negotiate my hours with work. However, I do find that I often put more hours into work than I should. So maybe I need to go back to the minimum. It’s not like I’m busting my ass at work. Work is pretty chill, most of the time. But lately it has been a little stressful, especially with deadlines looming. At the same time, I also think that it’s manageable.

I try not to spend too much brain power on work because I’m also going to school at the same time. I’m currently going through some pre-requisites in my English major. The semester is finaaally winding down. I have an exam this Friday and then I’ll finally be free from the shackles of the semester. I’m still debating on whether or not I should take another course in the summer semester but a part of me is thinking to just take the free time and decompress. Reassess. Re-evaluate. Recuperate. All of the “re” words.

Understandably, work and school leaves not a lot of time for other things. But when you’re sleeping more than usual, that also means I’m procrastinating. I pulled a lot of late nights in the past two weeks when I usually did not because of my procrastination naps. Usually I’m more organized than this. But sleep was too enticing.

Astrology incoming.

I think the eclipse highlighted a part of life that I neglect too much. The eclipse was going through my fifth house of fun, creativity, leisure, and children. The eclipse square was in a close square with my Capricorn Mercury (which, natally, is under the beams). Basically, the eclipse was telling me, “you need to stop thinking too hard and enjoy life sometimes.”

And I tried my best in the past two weeks. I tried listening to more dead-brain friendly podcasts in my spare time (shout out to the Get Real podcast). I tried reading more for fun (thank you, romance manga). I even hung out with friends for the first time in a long time (we watched Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire). And I also hung out with cousins as well (we watched Dune part 2). I even caught some Coachella live-streams over the last weekend and spent some time listening to music.

Needless to say, I feel a little more refreshed now.

I think I was long overdue for a break. I’m still trying to figure out how I should be building in breaks into my routine without losing progress in regards to my goals. “They” (I don’t know who “they” is) often say that you need to guard your study time. But what about your “me” time? I think that needs to be guarded as well.

Like I said, I’ll be taking the summer break to slow down and reflect. I think I need to rework my schedule. Or revisit my studying habits. There must be some room for some efficiency improvements, somewhere. Work smarter, not harder, and so on, and so on.