Finally Mellowing Out
2024-02-12
I have a major crush on someone. Although, now I think I can downgrade it to just, "I have a crush on someone." For a couple of months, I was riding the high of liking someone new. I kinda hate myself when I like someone. I feel like I'm insufferable and my thoughts are just so preoccupied with that person. Now, I think I'm finally at normal levels of liking someone, whatever that means. In other words, I'm not as obsessed anymore. I think part of it is accepting that the likelihood of anything happening being non-existent and just reveling in the feeling of enjoying someone's company.
Basically. I ended up having a crush on a coworker. A remote coworker. Who lives in another country. Who I have little in common with. Who is way out of my league. Who is considerably younger than me. Who is a big extrovert. Who comes from a different cultural and religious background. Who just seems to be my opposite in many ways.
In a way, I am thankful for the power of the Internet for meeting this person. If I were to see this person on a dating app or something, I would swipe whichever way it is to reject someone. I never would have entertained the idea to befriend someone like this (AKA a way-hotter-than-me white guy who likes to watch sports and doesn't read and doesn't play video games or doesn't like anime).
And I'm trying my best to nudge my crush into purely platonic territory. I really do think if we were to have met normally AKA in real life, we would probably be friends. Maybe not good friends. But friends. If we were to meet right now, though, I think I would let my feelings get in the way. I am still really averse to meeting this person, even after my crush on them "mellowing out." I think I'll get there, eventually.
Overloaded Plate
2024-02-10
My February is jam packed. I may have overloaded my plate.
Things that are happening:
- English Composition university course (multiple assignments due per week)
- Taking part in the /r/truelit's read-along for To The Lighthouse (weekly)
- Participating in my friend's writing circle group this month (due the 20th)
- Back to regular therapy sessions (weekly)
- Working on a coding side project (deadline is the 21st)
- Library books needing to be read (most of them due at the end of the month)
- Being more social than usual (+3 outings this month on top of my usual 1 or 2)
- Trying and failing to keep up with 100 Days to Offload (was trying to aim for 2-3 posts a week but it's shaping up to be more like 1 post a week)
- Trying and failing to accomplish stuff on my 30 before 30 bucket-list
- Personal reading AKA reading books that are on my to-read list (right now I'm reading A Very Short Introduction: Literary Theory by Jonathan Culler)
- Going to the gym three times a week
It's a lot.
I got cocky last week and took it pretty easy. I had finished a bunch of assignments ahead of time and just kinda relaxed. Leisurely worked on the side project. Went to bed early a couple of times. Read a lot of manga. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. Instead, I'm looking at it as recharging myself. Maybe it was like a mid-semester break? It reminds me of Reading Week back in my university days. Reading week was a week long period of no classes. What students "should" do during Reading Week is studying and assignments. What I usually did was procrastinate and do nothing. A dead period, basically. Silver lining is that in this scenario, I technically did do something every day that worked towards my goals. But not enough to prevent the incoming tsunami of deadlines next week.
My Plan for Next Week
Timeblocking
This calendar looks impossible. It is impossible. It's the best case scenario. I block everything out into 30 minute chunks because I like to follow the pomodoro method. Also, if I miss 30 minutes here or there, it feels less devastating than losing an entire hour. Basically, the 30 minute chunks gives me a lot of opportunities to "start over fresh."
I also don't look at the calendar. Looking at the calendar feels overwhelming. I only look at it when I set it up. I rely on the notifications and reminders that my calendar gives me on my phone, my watch, my e-mail, and my computer.
E-mail Reminders
I'm trying something new this week. Every day for the next week, I scheduled an e-mail to myself with the top priorities for the day. I don't know if this will do anything at all but I'm desperate.
Blocking Websites
The two main forms of social media that I use are the Fediverse and Reddit. I'm blocking Reddit entirely. As for the fediverse, I'm more reluctant to let go of it so I'm limiting myself to 10 minute sessions every 6 hours. I'm also blocking YouTube. We'll see how it goes!
Multi-tasking
I like to listen to audiobooks when I'm at the gym or doing chores. I did buy an audiobook copy of To the Lighthouse on a whim. I'll listen to it during the day and then catch up by reading with my physical copy in the evening. This will prime myself for the reading session at night.
I also like to read on the commute to work. I bring a book with me always when I'm on the train. I like to bring my personal reading with me on the train.
Eating lunch rarely ever takes the whole hour for me. So I will try to write more blog posts after I eat. Or maybe I will use the first half hour of lunch to write and then cram eating into the rest of my lunch hour.
Pomodoro breaks are also the best time to do chores or laundry!
TL;DR
My next week is packed. It'll be hard. But I think I can do it. I have no choice but to do it. Although, there is some leeway here. My writing circle is notorious for giving out extensions. My personal reading can always take a backseat to other priorities. While the semester is still ongoing, maybe I can take it easy on the blogging but when it's over, then I can crank out blog posts every day.
Anyway. Wish me luck.
Using Hobonichi in 2024: A6 HON Book Journal (& Reading in January)
2024-02-04
As I was writing in my book journal this morning I decided it would be a good opportunity to write a blog post about it! I did briefly go over how I used all my Hobonichi journals in this post (warning: picture heavy) but I think this is also a good opportunity to write about what I read this last January.
The HON
On the Yearly Overview pages, I keep track of which days I read. January was pretty good, there were only three days that I didn't read.
The yearly index is how I keep track of how many pages I've read. I don't really know why I keep track of this, I just find it to be a lot of fun! In January I read 6,839 pages, 676 from actual books and 6,163 from graphic novels or manga. I read 36 books in total.
This year I kinda switched up how I fill out the monthly. At the beginning of the month, I block out the days that aren't part of the month with washi tape. And for the days I don't read anything, I also fill it with washi tape. It's a good excuse to use up the many rolls of washi that I have.
I also started highlighting the books that I have finished reading on that day. And then on the left side I write down the titles as I finish them.
My daily pages have largely stayed the same. From February 2-3, I read five books and wrote what I learned/thought about them. I keep track of how many chapters (if it's manga) and how many pages I've read that day. I put a total number of pages I read that day at the top of the page.
Books in January 2024
I really only read two actual books in January: The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and They Say/I Say by Gerald Graff and Cathy Birkenstein. I have already written a review about what I thought about The Bell Jar on my Bookwyrm instance, here. I originally thought it would take me around 23 days to read this book (at 10 pages or 30 minutes of reading per day) but I devoured this book. I spent 5 actual days reading it across 12 days. I find fiction is a lot easier for me to read compared to non-fiction, which is what They Say/I Say was.
I have yet to write a review on They Say/I Say but it greatly changed my outlook on how to approach making arguments, both in and out of an academic setting. There was a lot of information in this 300+ paged book. I had to slow down and fully digest what I was reading so that I could understand their techniques. In hindsight, it feels like a lot of common sense but sometimes you need to put the obvious into words in order to fully understand it.
Outside of these two books, I read a fuck ton of manga. On the first of January I finished reading the Bloom Into You series. I was a little hesitant to read this because of the art style. However, it was placed in a high school setting so I could forgive the more childlike looking characters. I found the series to be quite tender and sweet. I was a little sad to part ways with it.
In January I started re-reading two series: Yotsuba&! and Ao Haru Ride. I first read Yotsuba&! a few years ago. Actually, I don't remember if I ever finished reading the series. This was one of the very first manga I read, back in elementary school (this was 18 years ago!!!). Yotsuba&! definitely stands the test of time. It's very much just an episodic slice of life but it's wholesome and makes you long for the innocence childhood. It's also immensely funny and made me laugh out loud a few times.
Ao Haru Ride is a manga I read just last year. I don't know why but I think this manga might be the quintessential romance shoujo manga for me. Whenever I read the prologue chapter, I tear up. It's not even that sad. But it feels so pure and heartfelt. I really love the relationship between the protagonist and the main love interest. I find they really do have a lot of chemistry together that doesn't feel forced. It's such a good manga!
There was one new manga series that I became insanely invested in. I think it's still ongoing. It's called Sensitive Boy. It covers a sensitive (hah) topic that I think isn't talked about enough: a male student is raped by a teacher. I was really touched by how the student had such a supportive environment but also a little sad because it felt more like wish fulfillment. I don't see it playing out in real life like this at all. Despite all this, the main character still has a lot that he goes through in the aftermath of this traumatic event. A nice coming of age story. I am eagerly waiting for more.
January Reading Habits
I do most of my manga reading on the computer. If I'm having trouble sleeping then I do some reading on my phone while in bed, hah. I do like reading manga but I wonder if I can substitute some of that reading with reading more physical books. Now, physical books does not always mean non-graphic novels. I went to the library a couple of weeks ago and all the books I took out were graphic novels or manga. I did this because I know myself. They are easier for me to read. Because I'm taking courses on top of full time work, I don't have a lot of time to squeeze in regular reading. This is also why I do most of my reading on the computer. It's just easier for me to finish a session of school work and take a break by clicking over to a new tab and reading there.
But I do want to read more physical books. When I was living alone I would eat with a book in hand. But now that I am living with my parents again and we eat meals together, I can't exactly do that if I want to be present with them. Nowadays, I only read physical books on my commute to and from work. The things is I don't go to work every day, just two or three days a week.
I am still figuring out my routine, even though I still feel pretty set on it. I wonder if there's a way to squeeze in some more reading here and there. I think my mental block is that squeezing in just a few minutes here and there doesn't feel like I would be doing an actual book justice. With graphic novels, it's a little bit easier to dip in and out. Maybe I'm overthinking it and I should just try shorter bursts of reading, even if it's just during 5 minutes of downtime.
february, already
2024-02-02
January flew by. I want to say it's because a lot has happened in January but I'm not so sure how true that is.
- Started blogging more
- Started the second semester of school
- Started going back to the gym to lift weights
- Started using Focusmate.com again to... well, focus
- Finished writing a piece of fiction (read it here)
- Finished two books: "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath (read my short review here) and "They Say / I Say" by Gerald Graff and Cathy Birkenstein
- Finished a fuck ton of manga (I will not even bother listing them all)
- Stayed pretty consistent with my journals minus one week where I didn't journal at all
- Went out with my cousins and brother
- Ate at a new restaurant (food was good, service was atrocious)
Seeing as we're already well into February, I hope to just continue the things that I've been doing. I think I've finally gotten into a good routine. However, my weekends have kinda been a crapshoot. I procrastinate a toooon on the weekend. If I didn't, I could easily save myself some stress during the week. And maybe I would have more time to do other hobbies, like blog. Well. I'll try my best this weekend, I guess!
tipping the scales the other way
2024-01-21
i cupped my cheek and was shocked at how it
no longer filled my hand.
did i go too far? was i too zealous
in my delight of seeing the numbers slowly tick down to 0?
every part of myself is shrinking but i'm still
not yet satisfied. even though every time i look
in the mirror i am taken aback
by the person looking
back at me. i am afraid of hating
the person in the mirror,
as if the person in the mirror wasn't always me
the entire time.