Misery May 2024 But IRL
2024-06-09
They say life imitates art. Well, I consumed a lot of miserable art last month. And last month also felt quite miserable. Only now, around 20% through the next month, do I finally feel somewhat recovered.
May was really stressful. A lot of overtime at work. And lots of days where I would come home (or, if I was working from home that day, log off) and go directly to my bed to have a nap. By the time I woke up, I would maybe eat dinner and then go back to sleep. I crammed most of my reading on the weekends and was generally unproductive throughout the week. Not all of my weekends were sacred, either. There were a few weekends when I had to be on call and jump onto an issue.
My therapist asked me if every May was like this. It made me wonder if my therapist is into astrology because part way through May, Gemini season began. Gemini is a Mercurial sign and Mercury is always busy doing one thing or another. Lots of stimulation and intellectual activity. I felt that to the core (and still do). But I wasn't able to harness all of that Mercury energy towards things that I would like to do (read, write, create). Instead, just a lot of busywork at, well, work. It left very little energy for non-work stuff.
Back to my therapist's point, thankfully, this doesn't happen often. It was the first time I had to do something like this for work. I understand that some people might have to do this all the time for their job. Some people might even like it. But it is definitely not for me. I don't like the stress of having to be "on" all the time. Nor do I like the stress watching my free time being lost to the bare minimum survival activities like sleep or eating. Or, because of how my brain is too mushy, losing free time to mindlessly watching YouTube videos or scrolling through Reddit.
I think the stress also manifested in stress eating. Usually when I'm in the office, I practice intermittent fasting. But I'm an emotional eater so every time I found myself in the office, I grabbed lunch. Sometimes I would grab dinner if I was only in for the afternoon. And almost every time, I would go buy a sweet pastry. As a result I gained 10lbs in the past month (realistically, maybe half of that is water weight). Now it's hard for me to stop eating like this. It's truly hard for me to stop. Sometimes I wish I could just eat and eat and eat without consequences.
And let me tell ya, there is a lot of family drama going on. Long story short, I really need to start penny pinching. At least that will curb some of my eating habits.
Anyway. Tomorrow is another day. There is still time to turn over a new leaf. Or at least look at a new leaf. Here's to a less stressful month.
Misery May 2024 Reads
2024-06-07
Scott, host of YouTube channel, "Gunpowder, Fiction & Plot" hosted a "Misery May Readathon" this year. I stumbled upon it by pure chance and committed immediately. Miserable reads are my favourite kind of reads. Within the main theme of reading miserable books, there were nine bonus categories.
- Animals: Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
I don't really see how this one fit but Scott himself suggested Crime and Punishment for this category. His reasoning was, "there is a, horrbile scene with a horse in it." It happens in just one chapter. Which counts, I guess? I'm glad we're playing loose with the rules. I really enjoyed Crime and Punishment and I think it's going down as one of my favourite pieces of literature.
- Host Pick: N/A
I was going to read Our Bodies, Their Battlefields by Christina Lamb. I had it downloaded to my Kindle and everything. But I had no time to read it, alas. But this is put on the "to read" list.
- Illness: My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh
I had high hopes for this book. But I really disliked it. I don't require main characters to be likable. In fact, one observation I made while reading Crime and Punishment was that I thought Raskolnikov was utterly despicable. Despite that, I couldn't help but root for him. Not so for the main character of this book. I think the main thing that turned me off is that they were just plain mean. Raskolnikov was pathetic, cowardly, and, yes, mean at times. But his meanness towards certain people felt justified considering his character. In My Year of Rest and Relaxation, the main character was mean for really superficial reasons. I couldn't understand it. Maybe that was the book's main flaw: I couldn't understand the main character on an emotional level.
- Translated: Welcome Back, Alice (Volumes 1-7) by Shuuzou Oshimi
I count manga as books so I'm counting this towards the readathon. This was a really miserable read. It was like a pit of despair. But such a page turner. I finished it almost in one sitting. I also read this near the end of the month so it was a good lead up to Pride month.
- War: One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez
This is a masterpiece. Truly an epic novel. War is not the main theme of this book but there are several chunks of the novel that touches upon it. What this book is instead, is a wonderful survey of the history of a fictionalized town. 100 years of ups and downs and, yes, misery
- Immigrants: N/A
I planned to read "A Brief History of Seven Killings" by Marlon James for this category but I just couldn't get into it. Scott seemed to add the category for diversity but I already read quite a bit of immigrant lit. Or maybe I'm just tired of immigrant lit.
- Feminist: The Color Purple by Alice Walker
This was really miserable at points. But the characters were all so warm that it made the misery tolerable. I really enjoyed this one.
- Classic: The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman
This is a short story but still a "read" in my books. I don't read a lot of horror but this is my kind of horror. Powerfully feminist. It's a quick read and I definitely recommend it.
- Group Book: Bodies of Light by Jennifer Down
This was my favourite read this month. It was truly a very miserable read and I was glued from front to back. Not going to lie, after I finished reading it, I felt a little empty inside. On one hand, it felt like a journey left unfinished. On the other hand, I just wanted it to keep going on forever. But it was a good place to end it. I really just wanted more time with Maggie.
Ranking the books
Self explanatory, considering what I've written above. I'm really grateful for this readathon getting me to read Bodies of Light, as I would not have read it otherwise. It also bumped a few books (One Hundred Years of Solitude, The Yellow Wallpaper, and My Year of Rest and Relaxation) up my "to read" list. Felt nice to finally cross those off!
- Bodies of Light by Jennifer Down
- Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
- The Color Purple by Alice Walker
- One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez
- Welcome Back, Alice by Shuuzou Oshimi
- The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman
- My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh
Rethinking the Ending of Crime and Punishment
2024-05-11
Kendrick Lamar:
When are we gonna understand that we are put on Earth to love? That's all it's about. Everybody wants to figure out how complicated life is and break it down. I really think that it's going to keep going on. War will keep going on. Frustration will keep going on. Anger will keep going on. 'Til we finally go back down to the simplest word: love.
Growing up, I went through the public Catholic school system. Seeing how Dostoevsky is quite forward with his Christian morals in his writing, it's no surprise that Crime and Punishment was on the reading list for my English high school class. Okay, admittedly, I was not a very bright student so the fact that this was a deliberate choice was lost on me. Not until I read the book. What little I got out of Crime and Punishment in my first read of the book was all through the ending.
Back then I was a devout little Catholic so after reading Crime and Punishment, I was deeply moved by the ending. Raskolnikov finds redemption through Sonia and converts to Christianity. The image of Raskolnikov and Sonia exchanging crosses is forever burned into my mind. I thought it was so powerful that Raskolnikov went back to religion in the end. That his morals were finally straightened out and that he chose a better path for himself.
After re-reading the book over ten years later, I don't view the ending in that way anymore. One: I'm no longer religious so the moment no longer holds any awe for me. And, more importantly, two: I don't think Raskolnikov finds redemption through conversion. What comes to mind is a clip of an interview I stumbled upon on the Internet. In it, Kendrick Lamar talks about the importance of love.
It feels reductive to assign "love" as the main theme of Crime and Punishment. But it was one thing that came up on my mind throughout the entire novel.
Raskolnikov is surrounded by love from beginning to end. His friend Razumikhin (almost weirdly) never gives up on him, asserting himself into Raskolnikov's life to give him help when he needs it. His sister and mother are devoted to him and care for his well-being. Sonia deeply empathizes with him and sees the utmost good in him, even after learning that he is a killer. Despite it all, Raskolnikov rejects their love. He withdraws into himself and is obsessed over his own ego. Even when Raskolnikov is sent to the camps for murder, he still cannot get over himself. He toils over the fact that he is not, by his own definition, an extraordinary person.
The only thing that snaps him out of this is when he realizes that he loves Sonia. He is pulled out of his own mental hell and is confronted with the fact that he cares for her well-being.
Granted, I don't really buy the fact that Raskolnikov actually loves Sonia. I truly wonder if he is capable of love at all. He says he loves his mother and sister but does very little that would actually show it. He was once engaged, but to sickly girl that he used as a microphone, to voice all his inner thoughts to.
But what I really think lies in the redemption of Raskolnikov is that he finally accepts the love from those around him. He constantly pushes away those who loves them. He deems himself unworthy. He assumes that they would be better off without him. It isn't until the end of the book that he finally sees that he would be better off with them. Life is finally worth living once he accepts love and he is ready to give back love in return.
In my humble opinion, I think that compared to a religious epiphany, this is a more powerful epiphany to have. It's a much more universal theme that can speak to all people, regardless of religion.
The Cynic
2024-05-07
In grade twelve, I had to read Crime and Punishment and write an essay on it. I had a couple of friends in that English class but there is one friend in particular that comes to mind when I think of this book. Honestly, friend is a strong word. We talked to each other sometimes, we were in some of the same classes, and we had the same circle of friends. One of our mutual friends confided in me that our English teacher was worried about him. That she thought he was too cynical. It made me wonder. How could our English teacher have come to that conclusion just from reading his essay?
I wasn't a good reader back then. An avid reader, yes. But I read hastily, absorbing the plot and nothing else. Reading to finish, basically. At the time I couldn't see how someone could react to Crime and Punishment cynically. That shows you how much of a terrible reader I was.
Ten years later, I picked up Crime and Punishment again. Throughout the entire time I was reading it, I had that friend from high school in the back of my mind. I understand his cynicism now. But I wish I understood back then. Maybe I could have asked him more about it. What he thought of the book, of the characters. What exactly was he cynical about? I have a lot of theories but I wish I could have heard it in his own words.
I haven't heard from this friend since university. We both entered engineering together. We never had classes together, so I only saw him occasionally. I could probably count the times I talked to him in our first year on one hand. What I did know was that we both didn't do so well in university. We were both slackers but we slacked off in different ways. He slacked off by partying and drinking all the time. I slacked off by staying at home, writing fan-fiction, building websites, and playing Neopets. Neither of us made it to second year engineering. I thankfully turned things around, cleaned up my act, and switched to Computer Science instead. As for him, I don't know where he his now.
I did a quick search for him on the Internet. There are accounts but they are not at all active. The last pictures I can see are from high school. Despite not being close to him whatsoever, it makes me worry. Knowing his cynical nature (and it was apparent, I didn't need to read his essays for that), I can't help but wonder how his life is now. If he is happy. If he is safe. If he is still alive.
After reading Crime and Punishment, I'm trying to choose to be optimistic. I can't help but fall into cynicism myself despite the hopeful ending of the book. But it's my wish that my friend has chosen hope for himself, just like the characters in the book did.
My Reading in April 2024
2024-05-01
Fiction & Prose
- Dune by Frank Herbert: I admittedly had a hard time reading this one. The world-building was excellent. The history, the lore, the planet… Amazing. The characters, less so. But it was interesting enough for me to not drop it.
- Ghosts Still Linger by Kat Cameron: A collection of poems. Most of them were alright. I am not a poem expert so it is hard for me to judge the quality. My favourite poems were the ones where the author wrote poems about mundane historical figures.
- The Mysterious Affair at Styles by Agatha Christie: A re-read. Kind of. I listened to an audiobook version first. This time I read the actual words with my eyes. An easy and fun read.
Non-Fiction
- I’d Rather be Reading by Anne Bogel: A collection of essays about reading. Fun. Relatable. Although I don’t think I’m as quite book-ish as Bogel.
- Quarterlife by Satya Doyle Byock: Guess who’s going through their quarterlife crisis? Me! This was an interesting book. More concerned about validating and narrating the journey of the quarterlife crisis. Not a lot of actionable steps. But I was glued from front to back.
- Playing in the Dark: Whiteness and the Literary Imagination by Toni Morrison: Very American/Eurocentric. As a non-American, I wonder how I can apply similar criticisms to literature from other cultures. I have no doubt that they can be applied, just how is my question. To be honest, I love Morrison but her non-fiction is no easy read for me. Maybe I just suck at reading more academic literature. But I think I managed to parse things out in the end.
Graphic Novels
- Squad by Maggie Tokuda-Hall and Lisa Sterle: I LOVED this book. I think this was my favourite graphic novel of the month. The art was really cool. The characters intriguing. The plot is so interesting.
- Lilies, Voice, Wear Wind (Volume 1-4) by Renmei: This was recommended by Yukari. I really loved it. It was beautiful and touching and… Reassuring. My favourite manga of the month.
- Talk to My Back by Yamada Murasaki: A beautiful manga. It kinda reinforced some of my hangs up on marriage and child bearing but I think this was ultimately (hopefully) a product of its time. I really liked how my edition had a long essay on Murasaki’s life and art.
- Pass Me By #2: Electric Vice by Kat Simmers and Ryan Danny Owen: This is the second instalment in the “Pass Me By” series. This was mostly all flashback but I think it was integral to building up Ed’s backstory. It finished off on a cliffhanger and left me wanting to know how the past leads to Ed’s current circumstances, especially considering his queer past.
- Dear Sophie, Love Sophie by Sophie Lucido Johnson: I tooted about this but I was constantly annoyed by how self-congratulatory this came off. Which is the point!! The point of the book is to console, reassure, and validate Sophie’s past self. But I was just so tired of it maybe two thirds of the way through. Still, a very wholesome and feel good book.
- Archival Quality by Ivy Noelle Weir and Steenz: As an aspiring information scientist, I felt obligated to read this. The plot left some things to be desired but the art was cute, even if it’s not really up my alley.
- How to Be Alone by Tanya Davis and Andrea Dorfman: Quick and easy read. In my opinion, not too much was added by making this an illustrated poem.
- Pizzeria Kamikaze by Etgar Keret and Asaf Hanuka: A really interesting premise but they don’t go far enough with it. And the conclusion is far from satisfying but what else would you expect from this cast of characters?
- Through the Woods by Emily Carroll: Really cool horror stories. I love Carroll’s art style, it fits the tone of the stories. To be honest, though, I’m not a big horror person and some stories stood out more than others.
- A Girl Called Echo #1: Pemmican Wars by Katherena Vermette: A slim volume. Very cool story line. Unfortunately, I wasn’t in love with the art.
- The New York Four by Brian Wood and Ryan Kelly: This book is soooo 2000’s. The Blackberry! The skater t-shirts! Like a time capsule.
- My Only Child by Wang Ning, Xu Ziran, and Qin Chang: I wasn’t ready for how devastating this would be. It’s not something one thinks about often: what happens to parents who lose their only child back in one-child-policy China.
- Good Talk by Mira Jacob: This was a bit of a slog to get through, even if I found Jacob’s stories interesting and relevant. I think it was the layout of the panels (literally just the characters talking to each other except their faces are facing front the entire time). But she really did touch on a lot of topics I think about often: raising half-POC kids in a racist world (let’s admit it, if I do have kids, they will be half. Not necessarily half-POC and half-white but just half-Filipino and half-something-else), dealing with in-laws of different cultural and religious backgrounds, dealing with your own bigotry, etc., etc.
- Goodbye, My Rose Garden (Volume 1-3) by Dr. Pepperco: A cute girls love manga about characters who are into literature! But the plot and cliches made it ultimately fall flat for me.
- Slumbering Beauty (Volume 1) by Yuumi Unita: This was not what I thought this would be. I expected a literal princess. But it’s about a regular high school girl. Kind of a bummer.
- Satoko and Nada (Volume 3) by Yupechika: It all feels like the same old same old but I enjoy their little adventures.
What I’m Still Reading
- Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky: I have one more week to go and then I will be done with this book!
- The Socratic Method by Ward Farnsworth: I put this on hold as I continue to read other books.
- Planetary Aspects: An Astrological Guide to Managing your T-Square by Tracy Marks: Slowly reading through this one. A lot of good information here, especially since my T-square involves such integral planets (including my chart ruler) in my chart.
- Overdue: Reckoning with the Public Library by Amanda Oliver: Admittedly, I paused this book a little bit because it was a lot. I felt kinda hopeless reading it. I have written a few papers about librarian burnout but they pulled from very academic sources. Nothing as personal as this.
- My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottesa Moshfegh: I am devouring this book. I’m reading this as a Misery May read and yup. Pretty miserable so far.
- The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton: This is a re-read. I do love Lily Bart. I keep meaning to read more Wharton but I guess a re-read will do.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Another Misery May read. This is more of a fun read than I initially thought it would be. I’m also speeding through this one quite fast. I don’t really know where things are going (although there are hints here and there). In my reading journal I literally wrote, “I’m just here for the ride.”