Merging with others

2024-10-29

A friend of mine recently posted something on indepdendence and codependency. This got me thinking about my own relationship with... Relationships, really. I've posted before about my Venus in Scorpio placement and how I see that play out in my romantic relationships. I have an intense need to merge with others and completely enmesh myself with the other person's life. Of course, not everyone likes that.

In my last relationship that really did a number on me, my ex told me that I was trying to make him my entire world. He found it incredibly suffocating. I was at a loss because that was exactly what I wanted from that relationship. I loved the feeling of being in love with him, and wanted to spend every single moment with him. However, the energy wasn't reciprocrated. We started to resent each other.

I, strangely, resented my lack of independence. I was putting so much energy into this other person and sacrificing so much of myself for little gain. I neglected my hobbies. I gave up friends at his request. I spent all my time with him after work and on the weekends. I even got him a job at my workplace. I lost myself in him. For nothing. And I disliked him for it.

In another relationship, this also happened, but to a lesser degree. I spent a lot of time with that ex but I was bored throughout. I stopped indulging in my hobbies just to be bored at his house watching him play League of Legends. Never again!

Now, I think I want to approach relationships in a more balanced way. I don't want to lose myself. I want to have my own life and share it with someone else and the same time. I want to be able to focus on my hobbies, and talk to my own friends. After being single and crush-less for three years, I've learned that I actually like my own company. My entire life, I've been hopping from crush to crush and relationship to relationship and never stopped to get to know myself.

While I don't think I've swung all the way to "independent woman who doesn't need a relationship," I want to think that I'm now less predisposed to codependency. I broke my crush-less streak last year and I did definitely notice that my thoughts were completely consumed by this person. The only way I grounded myself was to make cringey blog posts. I need something more to ground me, I think. I probably need to further develop my personal life so that it's more enriching (and less scrolling on Reddit on my phone), which will help with that. Honestly, with both school and work going on at the same time, I don't think I can afford to be daydreaming and in love like that anyhow. That's what I say, but I also procrastinate the heck on school things with other useless things.

A part of me also doesn't want to fall in love anymore. I don't like it when I'm in love. I'm not even sure if it's ever love to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if I even ever liked my exes as people. I was too blinded by my emotions to properly evaluate them and our relationship. So, being more discerning is definitely something I want to be in any future relationships.

"Make new things"

2024-10-27

I saw super group L.S. Dunes play last weekend and at the end of their set, their vocalist Anthony Green said, "Make new things!" He also said after a song, "If you feel like you got something missing in your life, start a fucking band. You don't even have to be able to be good at playing anything." He glanced down and gestured to himself. "Look. Like, see?" It was baffling to me that he was so self-deprecating, because Anthony Green is huge in the emo scene, has a super distinctive voice, and is part of so many pivotal bands, but that's besides the point. Well... Maybe?

I've always, always, always been discontent with my consumption to creation ratio. I think a lot of it stems from an inferiority complex. I've always felt like creating is for other people. People who are more talented, cooler, and with actual original ideas. For some reason, I have it in my head that everything I have to make has to be amazing. Otherwise, why even try? I recognize it's not the most productive mindset. In fact, it's anti-productive: it leads me to not creating things at all.

This is something I've realized fairly recently. I've tried a few times to learn how to draw all over again and have been discouraged by my lack of progress and wanting to be good immediately. It was a big reason why I stopped trying to seriously draw. Which goes back to what Green said during the L.S. Dunes show. You don't have to be good at something to do it. What I got from his mini-speech was that making music, for him, was largely an emotional experience.

When I do have the impulse to make something, it is usually based on something emotional. Something inspires me. Or something happens and I have a reaction to it (like this post right now). I just dive my entire self into it without thinking (too much) about whether it's good enough. My mind is just focused on getting whatever I'm thinking about onto the page.

It's when I try to be more serious about something that it all falls apart. Practice? Trying to do something everyday? Being comfortable with not being the best? It's all really hard for me to do, and it results in me not doing anything. It sounds bad, but maybe I just need to take things less seriously. Do I really need to be good at something to do it? Maybe not so.

Did it really happen if you can't remember it?

2024-10-25

A sentiment I see sometimes is that bringing kids to expensive destinations (like Disneyland) are a waste of time and money if they won't even remember them when they're older. This came to mind recently as I was showing a visitor around my city and saw a lot of young families at the typical tourist destinations. It came to mind again when I attended a few concerts this week.

I saw Green Day a few months ago and I spent the entire time just jamming out. I took a picture or two but that's pretty much it. I wanted to be present and experience the concert fully. My brother came with me and he did a bit more filming. I had the time of my life (if you know, you know)! Afterwards, I found that my memory of the concert rapidly faded in my mind. I was grateful for my brother's recordings and I watched them a few times. It honestly made me wish I took more pictures or a few more videos.

Just this weekend, I saw My Chemical Romance. I had seen MCR a couple of times before, back in 2011 and 2022. I barely remember the 2011 concert. I don't remember any of the actual performance. I just remember looking back at my friend in the middle of "Welcome to the Black Parade" and singing the lyrics at each other. This was before filming or taking pictures on your phone was really a thing (I don't think I even had a smartphone yet), so recording never came to my mind. But I really wish I somehow remembered more of the concert.

So, watching MCR again, I decided to take more videos. I know people constantly deride others who film at concerts for not "being in the moment." But I actually think I was present. I filmed maybe 30 second clips per song and then jumped around and yelled for the rest of it. Still had the time of my life. Still sang my heart out. And I have been watching my videos for the past week. I'm so grateful that I did take the videos.

There are people out there on YouTube who filmed the entire concert and I'm appreciative for those who did (I've watched MCR's set like five times already). But, unless said person was standing at the exact place I was, it's not the same experience.

From now on, I'll be less hesitant about recording at concerts. I think I've struck a balance between "having a memento" and "being present."

Like that BTS song but it's permission to cry

2024-10-24

One thing that my therapist would often tell me was, "I can see you trying not to cry. You can cry, you know are safe here." Only then would I let myself cry. Each time she said this, it never occurred to me that I was holding in my tears. I don't know why I needed this permission to cry. I am not one to usually dislike showing emotions. A part of me even likes crying. Maybe it's a weird act of bravery that I think that I'm displaying. Or I just wanted to get out words before I just become a useless mess. Either way. I was trying not to cry.

I think something like this happens a lot to me. I'm often holding onto feelings and letting them accumulate without releasing the pressure valve. And often times, I don't know that I'm holding onto those emotions.

Over the weekend, I went to a concert to see one of my favourite bands. At that concert, before a particularly emotionally hard-hitting song, the vocalist said, "let everything go, EVERYTHING" and on command I just started to cry. I didn't know what kind of emotions I was releasing at that point, all I knew was that I needed to... let it go.

Thinking about it now, it made me realize that I still have a few issues that I need to sort out and that I really should contact my therapist again (although I dread her reprimanding me... ugh).

It's been a few days and I keep replaying that moment in my mind and the tears keep springing up to my eyes. I feel like this moment will stay with me forever. I hope it does, honestly. It's a good reminder that our emotions need some sort of constructive outlet. It doesn't need to just be crying. It could just be losing yourself to a good song or taking part in a hobby. Or screaming your heart out at a concert. I really put all of myself into that concert. I had the time of my life. And I let myself let go. I needed a little permission first, but I did it.

Week #17 - Oct 1 to Oct 8 2024

2024-10-08

• 💿 In music news, one of my favourite bands, Coheed and Cambria, came out with a new song. Personally, I like it a lot compared to some of the singles they released from their last album. I was pretty surprised seeing some of the reception from fans, I thought fans would like it but a lot of people didn't. I didn't think it was a song that unexpected considering their discography. It gives me some Danger Days My Chemical Romance vibes. Anyway. All this to say that I like it.
• 📚 I started reading Anna Karenina. It's a fun read so far but I'm not very far into it, just a few chapters. The book is huge, thankfully this is a book that stays at home. Usually I bring books with me on my commute to work but lately I've been doing homework on my commute.
• 🌈 A friend recommended me the WLW web comic, Ring My Bell and I've been reading it and it's so cute and wholesome, y'all.
• ✉️ I feel like my inboxes have been full more and more these days. I've been talking to more people than usual. I don't mind it! I like making new friends, something I did admit to wanting more of. I initially had the caveat of IRL friends but honestly, I don't think I have the time for IRL events and what not, outside of family events.
• 🇵🇭 Speaking of family events, my cousin is visiting us here in Canada all the way from the Philippines. He's here for a month! We had a big potluck over the weekend and all of my mom's side was there, which was a rare event. It was nice but a little draining.
• 🎓 Help me. It's always hard when you don't resonate with an assignment, it just makes it feel like a slog. In fact, I am procrastinating on an assignment right now. I guess I should go do it now...