29th Solar Return

2023-12-30

As of today I have traveled around the sun 29 times. It's kinda wild to think about. I don't feel 29 but does anyone ever really feel their age? A big part of it (and I've mentioned a few times across the Internet) is that the last three (and soon to be four) years seemed to have slipped away from me. I often say that I still feel the same as I how I did when I entered 2020 but when I think about it more, I have changed.

In 2020 I was stuck. I was still madly in love with someone who had clearly moved on. For a long time I saw them as the villain in my love story. But when I look back on it now, I feel sad for them. Maybe it was my empathy that landed me with that person in the first place, but I had so badly wanted to (cliche alert) be the one to defy the odds and fix them. I wanted them to love me back so badly. But they were wrapped up in their own hurt which ended up hurting me.

I'm just tired of chasing. Throwing myself at the feet of someone to beg for their attention. I don't want to find love, I want it to find me. So many of my relationships I was the initiator. I just want to be chosen for once.

I'm trying to choose myself more these days. Being by myself is something I am pretty content with. It's when I get a taste of what it would be like to have a connection with someone that I get a little wistful. Lately I am craving for love and most of all, companionship. I miss physical, spiritual, and mental closeness. I want to share myself with someone. I want someone to share themselves with me.

This year I'm going to try to go a little more "low stakes" and aim for friendship. As much as I desire for it, I don't think I'm ready for love. I need friends, more than anything.

12th House Venus in Scorpio Musings

2023-12-27

I had a consultation with an astrologer recently and they said, "I don't really see the Venus in Scorpio in you." In my head I was like, "Oh man, I feel Venus in Scorpio in everything I do."

The way I consume music is the first thing that came to mind. This is so significant for me because music is like a cornerstone of my personality so I spend a lot of time in this realm. What elevates a song from "this is a banger" to "this is imprinted onto my soul now" is the emotional intensity of a song. This usually means that the music can evoke a certain mood that resonates deeply with me and, at the same time, the lyrics are relatable. Songs that are like this are almost always a little more darker in tone, topic, or sound. That's not to say I don't like lighthearted music. I can appreciate a good up-beat song once in a while but the songs that make an impression on me are usually darker. For example, I like K-pop. It's fun. Relatively cheery. Very colourful. But I am mostly just interested in songs like Want by TAEMIN or 28 Reasons by Seulgi or Galaxy by LADIES' CODE. Kinda not what K-pop is known for.

Speaking of certain artists... When it comes to musicians in particular, I often obsess over them as well with their music. I dive deep into their Wikipedia pages. I watch interviews. I read biographies. I watch concert videos. I write fan-fic. I read every single article I can come across. I daydream. I fantasize. Sometimes I even make websites devoted to them. But yeah. I'm one of those fans. I try my best not to display it outwardly (unless you follow my music alt fedi account and in that case, you know what you signed up for) so it is something that I try to keep to myself. 12th house things.

Another place where I feel very Venus in Scorpio is in my romantic relationships. This could be due to Pluto being so close to my Venus but when I have my heart set on someone, I get obsessive. It's either 0 or 100 for me, no in between. I get possessive. Jealous. It's an all-consuming feeling. I want to merge (physically, spiritually, mentally) with the other person. I can't stop thinking about them. I fantasize about them. Obviously, this isn't healthy and, often times, not necessarily even love, but it is a pattern that I see.

It makes sense though why the astrologer I spoke to couldn't see this in me, though. All of this is taking place in my 12th house. The 12th house is what is hidden, buried, subconscious. A lot of this stuff is what goes on in my interior. Sometimes it leaks out into the material world but mostly, I keep it inside. The astrologer I saw did mention how Venus in the 12th can indicate affairs. I've never cheated but I do often find myself attracted to people who are in relationships. Again, not a healthy habit and I never act on it because I am morally against it. It's just another pattern that I see.

So. Yeah. That's my case for 12th house Venus in Scorpio. I don't take the things I like lightly. I feel it intensely, mostly to my detriment (Venus in Scorpio is in detriment, after all). But astrology is all just patterns, at the end of the day. Things can go off script. And what makes astrology work is that the archetypes can be so broad and general that you can just about apply it to anything. Still. I enjoy astrology. And I definitely see 12th house Venus in Scorpio in me.

30 Before 30

2023-12-21

When I was 22 I wrote a "25 before 25" list. I didn't accomplish everything on that list. I love writing lists but when it comes to to-do lists, I think I prefer making the list over actually doing the things on the list. I don't think I even accomplished 20% of what I wrote. Back then I didn't know myself as well. Now I know better. So here I am, almost 29, and writing a last minute "30 before 30" list.

What's different this time? These are things that I really want to do and not what I feel like I should do. They're also relatively easy to accomplish, mostly one off things that don't require too much effort. Maybe I'm making it too easy for myself but sometimes you need easy. I tend to shutdown when it comes to personal goals if I don't have the proper structures in place. This is supposed to be something fun, anyhow. A last hurrah for my 20's. And none of this has to be done before I'm 30. These are just things anyone can do at any point in time, at any age.

Winnie Lim shared an excellent article about the tendency to hoard life moments. I generally agreed with the article but a part of me wonders if this kind of thing goes against the very principle. On the other hand, there should be a good balance between "living life to its fullest" and "living life on auto pilot." As 30 looms near, I realized that the last few years I've been doing more of the latter.

COVID definitely takes part of the blame. The last 3 years seemed to have slipped by me. The world seems to have moved on but I'm still stuck. Socially and personally, I've been stuck. Maybe I've even regressed. And I'm definitely in a phase where I'm like, "wow, what am I doing with my life?" Like an early mid-life crisis. It's funny, I had a solar return reading with an astrologer and they mentioned how 28/29 is when the death drive kicks in. The moment where you realize that live is absolutely not long. I've been feeling that quite a lot these days.

Anyway. I just want to sprinkle some more variety into my life again.

On to the list.

The List

"I need to do this at least once in my life"

1. Finish 100 Days to Offload

I've attempted 100 Days to Offload at least once before. I'm attempting it again. This definitely one of the hardest things on my list. Consistency is something that I'm not good at. I'm good at starting things, not at finishing them. And the moment I start seeing something as a chore is when it starts to get harder. BUT. That's not the mindset I should be going into this with. I do have a lot to say. I just need to get better at capturing when those thoughts plop into my head and be less stringent on myself about the quality of said thoughts.

One of my qualms about blogs these days is how blogs have seem to become branding. Of course, every brand needs a personal touch. But blogs seem to be less personal these days. Less bleeding-heart, pouring your feelings out into the page. Like, I recently read a blog post that started off with, and I quote, "Disclaimer: There's no real story here — just a dump of my thoughts." Why is that something that needs to be apologized for??? Those are my favourite kind of blog posts!

Understandably, some people might turn to journals for that kind of self-expression. I actually do a lot of physical journaling but they serve more as a time keep or a memory keepsake. I don't journal about my feelings or true thoughts due to trauma over my parents reading my journal (even as recent as this year, in 2023, at my ripe age of twenty-eight). So a blog seems like the perfect outlet for that kind of stuff.

So my mantra for posting more is:

• Less polish
• More raw thoughts
• More raw feelings

2. Go clubbing

I've never gone to a club. Like. A dance club. Not my thing. But I admittedly love drinking. And I like dancing. And I like the feeling of bass reverberating throughout my body. My only problem is finding people who would want to go with me. My friends are admittedly not the type of people who would go to a club. I do have a few cousins who have exclaimed, "You've never gone clubbing??? We need to goooooo!!" I'll finally take up on their offer and hopefully the offer hasn't expired yet.

Bonus: I've heard of places doing, like, K-pop nights. If this god forsaken city somehow ever does something cool for once, I 100% need to be there. It's a must.

3. See the Northern Lights

I probably missed the best season to see the northern lights. Back in 2019 I once went up to the mountains with some friends to try to catch some lights but our attempt failed. It was too cloudy. We did manage to see some shooting stars, though. I want to try again this year and hopefully I can catch the sun flinging matter into our atmosphere.

4. Get a tattoo

I've always wanted to get a tattoo! I am leaning towards something Sailor Moon related. Sailor Moon has been a foundational part of my life and I have so much tenderness towards the show. While I love the franchise, Sailor Saturn is actually my favourite character. I would love to get a tattoo related to her but I'm not so sure about the specifics. I don't even know if my city has any artists that could do what I am envisioning. No rush, though. I still need to plan this out since this will be on my body forever, after all.

5. Go skinny dipping

Okay, this is so "I saw people do this in movies, I wanna try that too" but it's how I feel, okay!! This is a question of who can I even do this with. Most of my friends are guys. No thanks, lol. I need more girl friends. There's also the question of where. If my trip to the Philippines next year pans out, that might be a good opportunity to do it.

6. Submit a piece of writing somewhere

I don't even need to get accepted. Just the act of submitting something to anything is enough for me. It implies a polished, finished rough-draft that I've never allowed myself to do. Usually I write something and send it off to the universe with minimal edits (no, the universe does not count). But it would be cool to take the time to carefully craft something just because. And I know this is a very vague item. I am uncertain if I can get this done. But I can wish.

7. Go to a bucket list concert

This one is already tentatively planned out. I'll be (hopefully) seeing Green Day in Toronto next year. I have been a Green Day fan since around 2006 and I've always wanted to see them in concert. I am familiar enough with their older discography but they'll be touring for the new album that has yet to be released. I am optimistic though because I am liking their singles, so far. It's so bittersweet listening to their music now. I had such a huge crush on Billie Joe Armstrong. He's old(er) now (as am I) so those teenage hormones are no longer acting up but I still have such a soft spot for that man and this band.

8. Try a winter sport

I live so close to the mountains but I have spent so little time there. Winter sports are a big thing among many people here but I've never tried it myself. I've always looked at people who buy seasonal passes to the ski resorts and things like that with, not jealousy, but intrigue. I'm not very sporty or outdoorsy. What's so fun about being in the cold snow and in big bulky gear with the potential of falling over and getting wet and cold? I should try it before I knock it.

9. Shoot a gun

Politics aside, I think everyone should know how to handle a gun. I do not know how to handle a gun. A part of me is afraid that I might accidentally kill someone the moment I touch a gun. But I still think gun handling is a valuable skill. This item might be relatively easy to accomplish. I have relatives who hunt and go to gun ranges on the semi-regular. While I won't go around shooting things for fun like they do, I have a resource for looking into this further.

10. Attend a musical

I wish I could say, "see a musical on Broadway" but I live in the wrong country for that. I wish I could just hop on a plane to New York City and actually "see something on Broadway". But reality says otherwise. Not all hope is lost. Broadway shows do come here. So. One day!

Things I haven't done in a while

11. Travel somewhere within Canada

Despite living in Canada my whole life, I haven't been to a lot of places in Canada. Since I've already planned to see Green Day in Toronto, I will be able to knock this one out at the same time. I have been to Toronto before but it wasn't long enough to be a tourist in the city. I want to try the food in Toronto and go sight seeing a little more! I have a lot of research to do because I have no idea what kind of things there are to do in Toronto.

12. Visit a museum/art gallery

Well, here's one thing I could do while I'm in Toronto. One of my favourite things to do while traveling is going to museums/art galleries. The last time I visited a museum/art gallery was when I was in Japan, back in the summer of 2023. That was pretty recent but the language barrier kinda hampered the experience, even if it was still pretty cool! And if I can't fit in a museum trip in to Toronto, that's okay, too. I haven't been to a local museum in a long time and I'm sure the exhibits must have changed a little since then.

13. Go to karaoke

I LOVE KARAOKE! Okay, I kinda did karaoke in Japan but I just sang one song because I suddenly had song-choosing-anxiety. I need more. And I need to be significantly more drunk before I can attempt to sing in front of others. Which brings me to the next point...

14. Get wasted

Can't say that I've ever been wasted. But it's been a while since I've been drunk. I know drinking isn't exactly a good thing. But. I have nostalgia for my university days. I want to get wasted at least one more time before I hit 30, before the hangovers start getting bad. Just kidding. I've already started getting bad hangovers, hah.

15. Bake bread

Remember how everyone was baking bread in 2020? I never did that. I kinda want to learn how to do it. I get overwhelmed with baking in general BUT my brother is a big baker so maybe he would help me. Or maybe I would want to try it myself. We'll see.

Hopefully not a one-off

16. Go to a random gig without knowing who is playing first

Every time I go to a concert, I almost always end up liking the opening acts, even if I've never heard of them before. This happened when Coheed and Cambria brought out Protest the Hero. When Metric got Braids to open for them. When The Callous Daoboys opened for Protest the Hero. It would be cool to just go random gig without knowing any of the acts and just listening. I plan to go to Las Vegas next year for the When We Were Young music festival so maybe I'll drop into some random band's set.

17. Go to a brewery/distillery

I won't be doing this at the same time as the getting wasted item. Well. Maybe I would. Some tasteful pre-gaming before going all out at a bar or something. The last time I went to a brewery was in 2020, at the brink of the pandemic, with a friend in Vancouver. It was my first time and it was a lot of fun. I'd like to go to one again.

18. Post something on my YouTube channel

I have a YouTube channel. I keep meaning to post something on it. I have a script for a video ready. I have the graphics ready. I just need to record the damn thing. And then edit it. And then post it. I think that's a reasonable thing to try to accomplish in 365 days.

19. See a play in the park

Every summer there is a local theater group that puts on plays in various public places. Every year I tell myself that I will attend one and I never do. Will this be the year that I finally do it? We'll see.

20. Get a massage/spa day

We get massage benefits at work but I never use them! My last massage was actually at work. They hired a company to give free massages, haha. Massages hurt in the moment but afterwards, they feel quite nice. I haven't had a massage in a long while. Maybe pair it with a spa day.

21. Volunteer

There is a literary festival that I would really like to volunteer with. The problem with volunteering is that I really dislike interacting with the public, which is what most volunteering gigs do. I would much rather like a behind the scenes approach. For example, sorting through clothes for a charity. Or assembling care packages. Stuff like that.

22. Eat somewhere new every month/two months

I often complain about the city I live in but, as much as I hate to admit it, it's not that bad. You have to search a little for good food but there are definitely some hidden gems around. I'm a big foodie so eating at restaurants is my hobby. That being said, I want to try eating at new places more often! I know I mentioned every month but maybe two months would be easier on the wallet and the waistline.

23. Watch a movie in a theater

The last movie I saw in a theater was Parasite, back in 2020. In this streaming age, I think the act of going to see a movie is not as valued anymore. Maybe for good reason. It's pricey. But I think some films definitely deserve the entire movie-going experience. Obviously, I'm not going to see, like, a B-movie. Maybe I would see something from from an indie studio like A24.

Bettering myself

24. Learn how to cook

I think this was on my 25 Before 25 list, lol. When I moved out, I cooked very basic things. Instapot chili. Air fried tofu. Pan fried chicken breast. I also relied heavily on meal kits like Hello Fresh and Chef's Plate. But I still feel like I don't know how to cook. It's not intuitive. In better terms, I haven't found the dish that is automatic for me. I want to find that dish!

25. Finish my first year of online schooling

I went back to school. Online school. My first semester I took English Composition I. Next semester is English Composition II. I'm only taking one course per semester to get my feet wet and test it out. Hoping I finish out the school year in 2024.

26. Stretch a lot

They say the body starts to breakdown at 30. I don't know how true that is. But I am insanely inflexible. A little stretch now and then would be good for my joints and muscles, I think.

27. Make more friends

I've recently come to the conclusion that I am lonely as fuck. I don't really keep in touch with my friends anymore and maybe our friendships have run their course. I don't really know. But I would like to make some friends. Preferably IRL but I'm not opposed to online friendships. I just have a lot of things to do on this bucket list that would be better to do with friends, in the flesh.

28. Learn how to apply mascara and eyeliner

What's makeup? I've never been a makeup person. It wouldn't hurt to know how to do the basics like how to apply mascara and eyeliner. Is that basic? I'm not sure, haha. Over the pandemic I've definitely tried to learn but I gave up. I'm going to give it another shot. Of course, that's not the only reason I want friends. I just miss companionship.

29. Get to the bottom of my mystery ailment

I don't want to go into details but I've been dealing with a weird body thing the past couple of years. Specialists don't know what's wrong. Doctors don't know what's wrong. I've tried a bunch of medicine and routines and diet changes. No dice. I really want to get through this because it has been a huge drain on my mental health. And speaking of mental health...

30. Go back to therapy

The last few months have been hard. As the world goes back to being in person again, it is hard for me to want to even live life fully with the weird ailment that I have. I've become a ball of anxiety. I've become withdrawn. I've become depressed. Escaping to the Internet doesn't cut it anymore. Sometimes not even k-pop helps, and k-pop always helps!!! Even my brother suggested I go back to therapy. You know it's bad when other people suggest therapy to you.

So yeah.

I'm going to do that. And try to do all the other things.