Like that BTS song but it's permission to cry
2024-10-24
One thing that my therapist would often tell me was, "I can see you trying not to cry. You can cry, you know are safe here." Only then would I let myself cry. Each time she said this, it never occurred to me that I was holding in my tears. I don't know why I needed this permission to cry. I am not one to usually dislike showing emotions. A part of me even likes crying. Maybe it's a weird act of bravery that I think that I'm displaying. Or I just wanted to get out words before I just become a useless mess. Either way. I was trying not to cry.
I think something like this happens a lot to me. I'm often holding onto feelings and letting them accumulate without releasing the pressure valve. And often times, I don't know that I'm holding onto those emotions.
Over the weekend, I went to a concert to see one of my favourite bands. At that concert, before a particularly emotionally hard-hitting song, the vocalist said, "let everything go, EVERYTHING" and on command I just started to cry. I didn't know what kind of emotions I was releasing at that point, all I knew was that I needed to... let it go.
Thinking about it now, it made me realize that I still have a few issues that I need to sort out and that I really should contact my therapist again (although I dread her reprimanding me... ugh).
It's been a few days and I keep replaying that moment in my mind and the tears keep springing up to my eyes. I feel like this moment will stay with me forever. I hope it does, honestly. It's a good reminder that our emotions need some sort of constructive outlet. It doesn't need to just be crying. It could just be losing yourself to a good song or taking part in a hobby. Or screaming your heart out at a concert. I really put all of myself into that concert. I had the time of my life. And I let myself let go. I needed a little permission first, but I did it.
Week #17 - Oct 1 to Oct 8 2024
2024-10-08
- đŋ In music news, one of my favourite bands, Coheed and Cambria, came out with a new song. Personally, I like it a lot compared to some of the singles they released from their last album. I was pretty surprised seeing some of the reception from fans, I thought fans would like it but a lot of people didn't. I didn't think it was a song that unexpected considering their discography. It gives me some Danger Days My Chemical Romance vibes. Anyway. All this to say that I like it.
- đ I started reading Anna Karenina. It's a fun read so far but I'm not very far into it, just a few chapters. The book is huge, thankfully this is a book that stays at home. Usually I bring books with me on my commute to work but lately I've been doing homework on my commute.
- đ A friend recommended me the WLW web comic, Ring My Bell and I've been reading it and it's so cute and wholesome, y'all.
- âī¸ I feel like my inboxes have been full more and more these days. I've been talking to more people than usual. I don't mind it! I like making new friends, something I did admit to wanting more of. I initially had the caveat of IRL friends but honestly, I don't think I have the time for IRL events and what not, outside of family events.
- đĩđ Speaking of family events, my cousin is visiting us here in Canada all the way from the Philippines. He's here for a month! We had a big potluck over the weekend and all of my mom's side was there, which was a rare event. It was nice but a little draining.
- đ Help me. It's always hard when you don't resonate with an assignment, it just makes it feel like a slog. In fact, I am procrastinating on an assignment right now. I guess I should go do it now...
Reorientation
2024-10-04
It's barely half-way through the semester and I'm already planning things that I want to do once it's over.
First of all, I want to redesign my blog and my personal website. Both are really daunting tasks. I think it would be fun to do during the winter break. I've been thinking hard about a rebrand for a while now, mostly because I think the aesthetic of this site has overstayed its welcome. I have a specific vision in mind and I've been collecting images and URLs for inspiration for a few weeks now. Been itching to act on it but I have other pressing matters, unfortunately.
Secondly, I want to re-commit to and re-evaluate my goals. I was talking to someone about how they committed to their goals once and once only. I think that's a fabulous way of looking at things. I could only dream to be so consistent. I think I have a lot of internal stuff that I want to sort out. I feel like that's the main thing that's been holding me back from my true potential, whatever that is. Or maybe I need to learn that potential is not and never has been a thing. I don't know, I think my ego is a little fragile and keeps me from doing things that I think would help me.
To me, it's a little terrifying to confront my ego. But it is too loud for me to ignore and let loose to do whatever it pleases. I think my ego is a big reason why I fear death so much. I want to amount to something and from the way I've been living my life now, that won't happen. But as long as I'm alive, the potential is there. I don't want to let go of my potential. Part of the problem is that amounting to something is a ever shifting and vague goal. The other part is that it is perfectly okay to be just a normal person. It's okay to just be me. I don't want to accept it, but I feel that I must.
Can you ever really know a person
2024-10-02
I'm a K-pop fan. Every time news comes out about how a K-pop idol did something terrible, other K-pop fans will inevitably start saying something along the lines of, "remember, we don't really know what K-pop idols are like." And it's true! We all know that idols put on a specific mask for the public. But, sometimes I wonder, can't you extend that logic to pretty much anyone in your life? I say "anyone" because if I said "everyone," I think that would be a bit of a stretch.
For example, there have been stories of people committing heinous crimes and those close to them are surprised. Or it's the exact opposite and those close to them see it coming from a mile away. I think it depends on the nature of the relationship. Some people wear their masks differently.
It feels cynical to assume that there is always a mask between you and other people. If you want to be technical, there are two: your own mask and theirs. I try my best to be as authentic as I can but sometimes the mask makes its inevitable appearance. Literally the only time my guard is down completely is when I'm with my parents and my brother. They know me better than anyone and at times, they know me better than myself. But in particular, when meeting new people I try to be transparent as possible.
Part of this is because I tend to see people with rose coloured glasses (K-pop idols included). When reality smacks me in the face, I'm blindsided. So there's some projection is at play: I present myself as truthfully as I can so that others know what to expect. Kinda just trying to be the epitome of "what you see is what you get." But it's really hard. It requires being vulnerable. Sometimes I think I admit my faults maybe too readily. Sometimes it might mean spilling too much, too quickly. Clearly, I haven't refined my process.
But when it comes to K-pop idols, obviously they can't take off the mask. They are selling the mask, the fantasy. Authenticity feels inherently incompatible with fame. I have been thinking about how some of the sentiment towards Chappell Roan on the Internet has turned a bit. She is unabashedly herself and speaks her truth in interviews or social media. Some people's reactions to that have been: "someone needs to get her PR trained." I don't know where I stand on that but I do sympathize with her. For some people, the mask is a hinderance. For some, a security blanket. For some, an opportunity to indulge in a lie.
Week #16 - Sep 23 to Sep 30 2024
2024-10-01
- đ Re-read the first few volumes of Ao Haru Ride again and cried. I posted on the Fediverse about this but I just find Ao Haru Ride perfect. There is something about the characters that just hit me in the right way, despite their archetypes being so prominent in the romance genre. It's really puzzling to me. But it's such a good read.
- đĒŠ Went to the club for the first time with my brother and a friend of his. It was a K-Pop themed night. They played mostly stuff I haven't heard before but still managed to dance a lot! The crowd went wild every time there was a NewJeans song or an old classic banger, haha. It was fun!
- đ Fell super behind on ModPo. For some reason, I lost all motivation and steam for absolutely anything productive at all, last week.
- đ Because I felt so unwilling to do anything productive, I ended up procrastinating the heck out of school work. I stayed up until 1 AM on Friday trying to finish a major essay. Ugh. And last night I did the same thing (but only stayed up until 11PM, lol, progress).
- đ My backpack was on its last leg and so I bought a new backpack! It's a Beis backpack. Definitely pricey but seeing as how I plan on using it for both travel and work, I think it is worth the investment. It's really roomy and I am loving how there is a separate laptop compartment.
- đ Overall, it felt like a blah week with very few memorable moments or moments worth writing about. I am exhausted and tired. My sleep schedule definitely has a part to play in this (I'm sleeping in a whole lot more) but I'm not sure what could be the source of my unproductiveness.