Week #14 - Sep 09 to Sep 15 2024
2024-09-16
- 🌐 I'm giving weekly posts another shot, even though I am notoriously super bad at keeping up with them. But I love reading Noisy Deadlines's Week Notes so much that I want to do them too! I quite like how they are short, informal, informative, and aesthetically pleasing (I am totally stealing their emoji idea, apologies!). I also stumbled upon Jedda's week notes and this was yet another source of inspiration.
- 🎵 FKA twigs released her first single, Eusexua, from her next album, and it is perfect. I love it so much. A strong contender for my song of the year. She first performed this song at a Valentino fashion event last year and I've been waiting for this song to drop from the moment I first watched the performance.
- 📚 Re-started my quest to read more this year, after a two month drought. Mostly reading a lot of graphic novels to ease myself back into it. Black Coat (Volume 1) is a standout. Very interesting fantasy-mystery. In terms of reading actual prose, I started reading Buffalo is the New Buffalo, a collection of short stories by Métis author Chelsea Vowel. Honestly, it's hard reading anything after finishing The Secret History.
- 💤 Having a lot of trouble with sleep these days. It's quite hard for me to get out of bed. Currently trying a lot of ways to fix my sleep schedule (going to bed earlier should be on the list of things to try).
- 🎓 I'm procrastinating a lot with schoolwork. Either I go down a rabbit hole for an assignment and get too ahead of myself, or I just don't plain want to do something and end up on Reddit. It's a bad cycle. Right now in my English Composition class, we're writing Bibliographic annotations.
- 📜 I'm also taking a poetry course, ModPo, on the side. At the end of the week I have been reading poetry from Imagist poets. I quite like this movement of poetry. It's very Dickinsonian in that it says so much in few words. But it's Whitmanian in that it evokes more imagery. Earlier on the week, we read some poets that were more firmly in the "Dickinsonian" versus "Whitmanian" camp. Some people are polarized to prefer one over the other, but I think I like each the same.
- 📝 I ordered my Sterling Ink planners and picked up a Hobonichi techo for 2025. I'm quite ready for next year, stationery-wise!
The Sun saps my energy
2024-09-13
From July to August, I managed to not finish a single book. Also from July to August, I wrote very little (AKA not at all) in my journals. I also stopped going to the gym.
This seems to be a trend for me. I have a 5 Year Journal that I started in 2021, where every day is dedicated a page. Each page is split into 5 sections, one for each year. I've noticed that July through August has the least entries almost every year. I don't know what it is about the summer months that makes me less disciplined.
Maybe it's the fact that the sun draws people out of their homes. I know that in July, I went to a week's worth of concerts. In August I went travelling. In 2023, I was in Japan and the Philippines. In 2021, my cat escaped his carrier during a fire alarm and he was lost for two weeks. 2022 wasn't remarkable but still had fewer entries. For the more eventful years, each of these events only accounts for at most two weeks out of the whole summer. Where did the rest of it go?
One hypothesis I have is that I need a lot of time to recuperate after big events or events that are very social. Summer means socializing and getting out of the house. Not a lot of that happens during the winter.
Another hypothesis is that by the middle of the year, I am simply just tired. Following a strict routine every day takes a lot of energy. By the time summer rolls around, I need a break.
A part of me wonders if I should plan around this or plan for it. The difference being, should I tighten up the reins during the summer or should I just accept the summer just means long lazy days? I'm thinking maybe a middle-ground between the two. I think a big factor, for this year at least, was the fact that the semester ended in April. And I was so done. Maybe if I took another course, or joined a book club, I would have retained some semblance of a routine. Just need something to give me some structure, because I cannot reliable draw on willpower alone.
A few weeks into the semester, I feel my butt slowly kicking into gear. I'm having to reform some of my habits again. I wish they didn't erode in the first place.
The pixie urge
2024-09-09
Every few months, I think about chopping off all of my hair and getting a pixie cut. There are some who can pull it off beautifully, and I think I could pull it off, too. Part of my hesitancy has, unfortunately, a lot to do with gender hangups.
Despite being a cis-woman, I've been misgendered more times than I'm comfortable with. I've had people ask me if I was a trans woman (in both well meaning and demeaning ways). I've had kids look at me and ponder aloud, "is that a girl or a boy?" I think being a POC is probably a big factor, since my facial structure isn't stereotypically feminine and I have non-insignificant amount of body and facial hair that can be hard to manage.
This is something that I've been insecure about my whole life. Not being perceived as a woman when I want to be perceived that way, is extremely unsettling to me.
Enter the pixie confusion.
I think I would look pretty cool with a pixie cut. But... Not in a stereotypical feminine way. Sometimes I could put my hair up and just imagine what I would look like if I could cut my hair shorter. I fantasize about chopping off all my hair. Some women can look extremely girlish after getting a pixie cut. But I don't think I fall into that category. Despite that, I am absolutely drawn towards the chop.
My hesitation comes from the fact that I think it would make me look even more androgynous than I already am. But a part of me is like, "is that really so bad?" Logically, I know it's not bad at all. But the other part of me is attached to presenting as very feminine. The thing is, I'm terribly bad at it. Every time I try to play up my feminity, it just looks off. I feel like I'm wearing a costume and that I'm not me. There are times when I think I can pull it off, and I do! But otherwise, it feels like I'm trying to score points in a game that I'm just not built to play. I wonder sometimes if I'm trying to become something that I'm obviously not.
I want to make it crystal clear that I'm undoubtedly cis. But I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe I don't need to try so hard to conform to my gender in a particular way.
Below is a drawing where I traced a photo of myself with my hair up. This is my ideal hair. Maybe even with a bit of an undercut on one side. I think it would be so cool! But I'm afraid to make the jump. I wonder how I will be perceived. I worry if I will actually even look good with it (and if I can style it correctly). I worry that I'll look so good that I'll never want to have long hair again! Just kidding, that one isn't an actual worry. I guess I won't know until I try it out. I'll let you know if/when I will.
The Secret History is so funny
2024-09-07
One of my favourite things that Donna Tartt does with The Secret History is how she presents Richard Papen. She makes it very clear at the beginning that Richard is an unreliable narrator. Initially, he boasts to the reader about his ability to lie. Almost immediately on the next page, another character picks up on his lying. This happens several times, where Richard says something about himself but only to be contradicted by someone else soon after. It's great that Tartt does this but this also introduces something crucial about The Secret History: it's actually so funny. This act reveals that the books contents shouldn't be taken too seriously, and to ignore the dressed up appearances of the characters and the setting. It takes the picturesque academia aesthetic and pushes it to an extreme conclusion: murder, suicide, sexual taboos.
It's funny to think about it now, in hindsight, after sitting down to think about the book. However, in the middle of reading The Secret History, I completely fell for the aesthetic. As I read it, I, too, longed to part of the exclusive Greek club. I wanted to sit in the odd lectures that probably wouldn't make it into any curriculum today. I wished I could follow the group on their weekend excursions, just doing rich people things. I pictured myself staying up late in an old Victorian library, studying ancient texts in Greek. These college kids were so serious and so believed in what they were doing. I actually feel some resistance towards condemning them or towards any criticism towards this point, because, for a moment, I believed too.
But they are not to believed. Especially not Henry. That light-bulb moment Richard had when he realizes that the "always in-control" Henry was actually not in control made me stop. I re-read that passage several times. A terrifying feeling, to put all your trust in someone and then see that they're actually not reliable at all. But I think Henry is reliable, at the end of it all. He has an odd way of going about it, and isn't right every step of the way, but he gets the job done. It's ultimately his sacrifice that puts an end to Charles's rampage. His own extreme conclusion is suicide.
Henry is an interesting character. Throughout the 500 or so pages, I constantly moved between being disgusted by, in love with, terrified of, annoyed with, and amused by Henry. I rarely encounter characters that make me feel so many things about them. The weird thing is that Henry is, surprisingly, fairly one-note. Always serious. Always calculating. Always deliberate. Always moving towards a goal that he has in mind. He rarely cracks a smile. Rarely shows warmth, and even when he does, you can't help but wonder if he planned it that way. He is so fascinating and honestly is the reason why I love the book so much.
All this said, I don't blame those who fall for the picturesque. Ultimately, it's satire all dressed up in a pretty package. But it's a fun and riveting book and I already want to read it again.
Update on my "30 Before 30" list
2024-09-06
It's way past half-way through the year but I'm re-evaluating my "30 before 30" bucket list.
Since January, I've accomplished the following:
- Bucket list concert: Saw Green Day play both Dookie and American Idiot in their entirety in one night. It was amazing. I also have two other bucket list concerts coming up: Coheed and Cambria playing Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV: Volume One and Protest the Hero playing Volition.
- Travel within Canada: Had to travel to see Green Day and I explored Toronto for a few days. Most of it was eating at new restaurants, hah. But I did manage to wander around downtown and the harbour.
- Visit museum/art gallery: Earlier on in the year, I had plans to go with some friends but the museum was closed. Bummer. But! While in Toronto I went to the Art Gallery of Ontario. It was a huuuge museum and I spent around 4-5 hours looking around. By the last hour I was kinda fed up so I may have rushed the last few exhibits, but otherwise, I enjoyed my time there.
- Go to a random gig without knowing who is playing: Some family friends invited me to go to a Benson Boone concert. I had no idea who he was but he was a fun show. He took his shirt off and did a lot of back-flips.
- Volunteer: Volunteered a few times. Sorted some books for a book sale and then did garbage cleanup along the river.
- Watch a movie in a theater: My cousins, brother, and I went to watch Dune part two together! It was such a cool movie. I was stunned by it. I also saw Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire with some friends and let me tell you... That was not a good movie. It was lighthearted but I just could not turn off my brain during it. I kept inwardly groaning through the cliches. Good excuse to be with friends, though.
- Go back to therapy: I did this! Am still doing this! Not going to lie, I kinda dread it every time. I know it's good for me. Growth is never comfortable.
I've also realized that there a few goals that I'm better off dropping:
- Get a tattoo: I am too indecisive. Can't think of what I would want on my body permanently. Actually, that's a lie. I have ideas of things that I want to get tattooed, I'm just overwhelmed by potential designs. Maybe one day I'll find an artist that resonates with me.
- Skinny dipping: As the days get colder, I think my window for this has closed.
- See a play in the park: The troupe that did this every year, cancelled all their shows this year. Big bummer.
The rest are still on the table but I know I won't be able to accomplish much more with around 100 days left of the year. I tried prioritizing them in terms of what I think are urgent, important, or both.
- Finish 100 days to offload: This is why you're seeing this blog post now. I just want to finally accomplish this and just be able to say I did it and forget about it. It'll be tight but we'll see how it goes.
- Go clubbing: I feel like my window for clubbing and not being an old fart is closing rapidly. Urgent, but definitely not important.
- Submit something, somewhere: Would this count if I submitted something that was utter trash somewhere? I'm trying to write more but I'm a little off the mark in terms of quality. Maybe I can scrounge something up.
- Learn to cook "my dish": This is still something I want to do. Important, not urgent.
- Finish first year of school: In progress! I started my second semester and it's already kicking my ass. I'm taking two courses and it's pretty rough.
- Stretch more: So simple and I keep forgetting to do it.
- Work towards figuring out my mystery ailment: I've been taking antibiotics and another form of medication that my doctor prescribed me. I think it's too early to tell if it works. But this is a journey I'm slowly making progress towards.
Everything else (13 items) I can live with not accomplishing. I'm always too ambitious when it comes to these things but I think it's okay that things don't always work out.