2024-01-18
It's so strange how my past relationships were with people who I didn't particularly get along with. And I don't mean that I fought with them often. I mean that conversation was just hard with them. Conversation is hard for me with anyone, honestly. I can count on one hand the number of people that I consistently had good conversations with.
One of those people was friends with my ex. I wondered why it was so easy for me to talk to them but not my ex. I realized it was because my ex's friend was curious. They asked me questions to get the conversation started and it went on from there.
I brought this up to my ex. Maybe they could start asking me more questions and then I would talk more. The most bizzare thing is that they refused my request. They wanted me to be able to say things out of my own volition. Essentially what he said was, "I don't think I should need to do that. I'll wait for you until you want to say something."
This disappointed me. It's so hard for me conjure conversation topics just out of the thin air. I wasn't joking when I told him I needed something to respond to. Obviously, this guy is an ex for a reason.
This post that you are reading right now is also a response to something. Not all things I respond to is external. Sometimes it's just me responding to my own thoughts. What triggered this response was me realizing that I was falling fast for someone.
I was falling for someone who I can easily talk to. It's a first for me in a very long time. I suddenly feel like my voice is coming out for once. I kinda wrote about it before here. I do feel embarassed sometimes after talking to this person. But this feeling is so new to me that I can't quite seem to stop wanting to talk to them.
What I think sets this person apart from other people I've talked to is that they always have something to say back. And because I am also curious about them as well, I ask them questions back. If there are no questions, somehow my mind can make a connection to another topic almost immediately. And we have fun with our conversations. It can be lighthearted or it can be a little serious. This sounds like just a normal conversation but trust me when I say I've never had this to this extent before.
My mind just needs to be able to react to something. Maybe I need to react to the enthusiasm that another person radiates. Or maybe it's just plain chemistry. I'm not asking to have insane levels of chemistry with everyone. I just want enough conversational skills to be normal.