2024-05-07
In grade twelve, I had to read Crime and Punishment and write an essay on it. I had a couple of friends in that English class but there is one friend in particular that comes to mind when I think of this book. Honestly, friend is a strong word. We talked to each other sometimes, we were in some of the same classes, and we had the same circle of friends. One of our mutual friends confided in me that our English teacher was worried about him. That she thought he was too cynical. It made me wonder. How could our English teacher have come to that conclusion just from reading his essay?
I wasn't a good reader back then. An avid reader, yes. But I read hastily, absorbing the plot and nothing else. Reading to finish, basically. At the time I couldn't see how someone could react to Crime and Punishment cynically. That shows you how much of a terrible reader I was.
Ten years later, I picked up Crime and Punishment again. Throughout the entire time I was reading it, I had that friend from high school in the back of my mind. I understand his cynicism now. But I wish I understood back then. Maybe I could have asked him more about it. What he thought of the book, of the characters. What exactly was he cynical about? I have a lot of theories but I wish I could have heard it in his own words.
I haven't heard from this friend since university. We both entered engineering together. We never had classes together, so I only saw him occasionally. I could probably count the times I talked to him in our first year on one hand. What I did know was that we both didn't do so well in university. We were both slackers but we slacked off in different ways. He slacked off by partying and drinking all the time. I slacked off by staying at home, writing fan-fiction, building websites, and playing Neopets. Neither of us made it to second year engineering. I thankfully turned things around, cleaned up my act, and switched to Computer Science instead. As for him, I don't know where he his now.
I did a quick search for him on the Internet. There are accounts but they are not at all active. The last pictures I can see are from high school. Despite not being close to him whatsoever, it makes me worry. Knowing his cynical nature (and it was apparent, I didn't need to read his essays for that), I can't help but wonder how his life is now. If he is happy. If he is safe. If he is still alive.
After reading Crime and Punishment, I'm trying to choose to be optimistic. I can't help but fall into cynicism myself despite the hopeful ending of the book. But it's my wish that my friend has chosen hope for himself, just like the characters in the book did.