The pixie urge

2024-09-09

Every few months, I think about chopping off all of my hair and getting a pixie cut. There are some who can pull it off beautifully, and I think I could pull it off, too. Part of my hesitancy has, unfortunately, a lot to do with gender hangups.

Despite being a cis-woman, I've been misgendered more times than I'm comfortable with. I've had people ask me if I was a trans woman (in both well meaning and demeaning ways). I've had kids look at me and ponder aloud, "is that a girl or a boy?" I think being a POC is probably a big factor, since my facial structure isn't stereotypically feminine and I have non-insignificant amount of body and facial hair that can be hard to manage.

This is something that I've been insecure about my whole life. Not being perceived as a woman when I want to be perceived that way, is extremely unsettling to me.

Enter the pixie confusion.

I think I would look pretty cool with a pixie cut. But... Not in a stereotypical feminine way. Sometimes I could put my hair up and just imagine what I would look like if I could cut my hair shorter. I fantasize about chopping off all my hair. Some women can look extremely girlish after getting a pixie cut. But I don't think I fall into that category. Despite that, I am absolutely drawn towards the chop.

My hesitation comes from the fact that I think it would make me look even more androgynous than I already am. But a part of me is like, "is that really so bad?" Logically, I know it's not bad at all. But the other part of me is attached to presenting as very feminine. The thing is, I'm terribly bad at it. Every time I try to play up my feminity, it just looks off. I feel like I'm wearing a costume and that I'm not me. There are times when I think I can pull it off, and I do! But otherwise, it feels like I'm trying to score points in a game that I'm just not built to play. I wonder sometimes if I'm trying to become something that I'm obviously not.

I want to make it crystal clear that I'm undoubtedly cis. But I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe I don't need to try so hard to conform to my gender in a particular way.

Below is a drawing where I traced a photo of myself with my hair up. This is my ideal hair. Maybe even with a bit of an undercut on one side. I think it would be so cool! But I'm afraid to make the jump. I wonder how I will be perceived. I worry if I will actually even look good with it (and if I can style it correctly). I worry that I'll look so good that I'll never want to have long hair again! Just kidding, that one isn't an actual worry. I guess I won't know until I try it out. I'll let you know if/when I will.