2024-01-13
When I told one of my relatives that I was still single, they looked at me bewildered and exclaimed, "What's wrong with you?"
I know exactly what is wrong with me. But this is still a ridiculous question! There is nothing wrong with people who are single. I don't blame people who are single, by choice or just by circumstances. I am a mix of both.
The idea of dating makes me hesitant. In some ways, I am way too self aware to start dating again. There is a lot that I've learned about myself from my past relationships and it isn't pretty. Yes, I crush and fall for people easily, but the thought of actually being in a romantic relationship turns me cold. I'm just not confident I could avoid repeating my same mistakes (cue Julia Jacklin's Turn Me Down), despite having gone to therapy and continually working on my flaws. Dealing with your own baggage can be quite a lot. It plants seeds of doubt in my head of whether or not I'm even cut out for a relationship in general.
And those are just me problems. Trying to find someone in the first place gives me anxiety. I think most people my age (post-college age but like never-been-married age) use dating apps and that is not how I work. Granted, I've never used a dating app to get a date. I have used Bumble to go on friend dates, though. It was easy enough to setup a profile with minimal effort and I got matches well enough. Still, all of my matches went nowhere. Lack of chemistry, flakiness, ghosting, you've probably heard it all by now. In the end, it's just a numbers game. But I don't want it to be a game. I'm too much of a romantic. I want a meet cute. I want to get to know someone slowly over time. With a lack of places to organically meet people (other than like, work), it can be hard to foster relationships in a more personal way.
I'm not trying disparage the usage of dating apps. I know a lot of long term couples who have met on dating apps (okay, two, but that's like a solid 40% of my sample size) so it's definitely possible. It's just whether or not I want to go through the grind of it all. Because from what I hear (and have experienced from the platonic version), it is a grind.
But when I think a little more practically about finding a partner, it's not enough to leave it to chance. There's just so many things you need to think about. When I was younger, it was okay to date someone just because I liked them. I never stopped to think things like, "Would this person be compatible with my friends? My family (especially important because I'm living in a very white country as a POC)? My lifestyle? My values? My cat?" Now that I have a few relationships under my belt, those are things that concern me. Maybe you do need something like a dating app to be able to quickly filter people who don't fit the criteria. Of course, a dating profile is not a tell all about a person, but it could give enough hints about where they stand on things.
The most damning thing though, is that I don't know if I even have room in my life right now for dating. It's kinda funny to say that as someone who stays at home 99% of the time. Ever since I moved back home (who wants to date a 29 year old still living at home?), I don't like the idea of dating in my current environment. Lately, I have been focused on my parents, especially as they are aging and becoming frailer by the year. I've become the breadwinner in my family and picking up more responsibilities from them. I've also been having health issues that I'm currently trying to resolve. Additionally, I'm going back to school which sucks up a lot of my time. And since becoming single (four years ago) I realized that I have hobbies (!!). Hobbies are something that always seems to fall by the wayside whenever I get into relationships. Frankly, I've just been enjoying the time I have to myself.
There isn't anything wrong with any of the reasons above for my singleness. I think a lot of my relatives have different ideas of how someone should live life and that just doesn't align with their ideals. I enjoy being single. I can have crushes without expectations of anything and just enjoy flirting for the sake of it. Yes, I get wistful from time to time, but it's just not a priority for me at the moment. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. I'm just taking each day as it comes.